This post is my opinion.
I grew up in an environment where women were constantly praised for having children. I remember every mother’s day they would gather all the women, even as little as babies, together and women who were not mothers, together for a picture. I always found this odd. I remember on Mother’s Day, multiple women and people would tell me, “One day.” I did not want people to ever really say Happy Mother’s Day to me because, first and foremost, I am not a mother. Yes, I do have a mother, but I don’t need Mother’s Day to celebrate and honor her. I have taken my mother out throughout the year and just randomly purchased her things just to let you know I care about her and appreciate her. I’m personally not a big fan of mothers day and recently have not celebrated it. Simply because I am not a mother. Mother’s Day is not a woman’s holiday; it is a holiday for people who identify as mothers. I don’t want people wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day, unless I actually identify as a mother, which I don’t right now.
In the environment in which I was raised, women were almost expected to be mothers. If a woman or young woman ever stated they did not want to have children or did not plan to, they were called children themselves, immature, young, and in need of growing up. I remember going to a women’s gatherings and this woman who was sitting with the younger women (women in their 20s and childless) ended up just confused by the conversations and ended up saying “I’m going to go sit with the grown-ups now” and ended up moving to the other side of the table with the older women (all of whom were married and with children). I was insulted by this because just because someone is not married or doesn’t have children does not mean they are a kid or immature. I don’t believe that (marriage or having children) automatically means you are an adult.
Another story for you, I remember a person I know who stated as a child that she did not want kids and recently changed her mind. She was told by older women around her, “Oh, now you are mature.”
I thought to myself that having children means, “you are mature and an adult.” I personally have nothing against people who have kids or women who choose to be mothers but don’t go around acting like you are so special and better than everyone else. I mean, at a job I worked at, I remember women who had kids got to go home early and got a little higher pay. These women barely worked, while I, who was single and would be cleaning and doing more work than they did, never got a raise.
I always found it insensitive when women who had kids made statements like, “The best job a woman could have is being a mother.” That’s fine if you feel that way, but don’t use the words “best job for every woman.” Or it’s the best gift that a woman could have. Again, that’s fine if you feel that way, but don’t generalize it to every woman. These statements are hurtful and offensive and play into the stereotype that every woman should be a mother.
It is also offensive when women who have children say things like “I learned patience, kindness, love, etc.” with children. Again, this is fine for you to say about yourself, but now if you generalize this to every woman, you are putting into the stereotype that a woman must have children to learn kindness, patience, love, etc.
I know some women who don’t have children, and they are kinder, nicer, and more respectful towards other women than some women who have children. See how I use the word “some” instead of generalizing ‘all’ women.
Here are some of the statements that women who don’t have children are told:
1) You will change your mind.
2) You will end up regretting it
3) It’s what women are supposed to do.
4) Most women want children.
5) What’s wrong with you?
6) Your selfish
7) You are no longer a woman.
8) You’ll never find a man that wants you
9) You’re out of touch.
11) Your immature
12) And More
I am not against people who have children, I just wish more people were sensitive and kinder in what they said. And first and foremost, it’s none of anyone’s business if someone chooses to have a kid or not.
Have you had anyone say insensitive things to you about not wanting children?
How do you handle it when someone says something insensitive to you?
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As a woman who may not want to have children, I feel this! The “you’re selfish” part is ridiculous. I think it’s selfish if you have a kid and don’t want one. Thanks for sharing! 🤗
It’s always possible that a woman might change their mind, but they don’t need other people making such comments. Let people be
I don’t judge women who don’t want to have children and those women who want to have children, though I might add to say that the Bible says children are God’s gift to humanity.
These “special” holidays can bring tough emotions and memories to some of us. I can understand where you are coming from. I believe becoming a mom or not is a personal decision. These are really very insensitive things, especially when the decision of the person was already voiced. Sending love 💖
Not everyone has a dream of being a mother and rightly so. I’m always careful not to ask personal questions like “so when are you having kids?” It’s really nobody else’s business.
Thank you for sharing on this important topic. There are many who can be very insensitive in the things said and done. It is no one’s business for sure and there are times when others are speaking out of their own thoughts and not recognizing on how this may impact the other. Being sensitive and mindful of others is such an important lesson. I appreciated you sharing this. 🤗
Pastor Natalie (ExamineThisMoment)
I always say: not everyone is made to be a mother or father.. there are so many fatherless and motherless children wandering on this earth. It is not selfish not wanting children, everyone does what’s best for themselves (individually).
I hate these so much. I want kids, but not for a while and it’s annoying. I get judgement from people who want kids in their 20s.
The audacity of some people never ceases to annoy and frustrate me; it’s awful to insert any opinions like this on anyone. People need to learn that when someone shares something like not wanting to have children that it’s not an invitation to debate. By all means explore someones reasoning and be interested in their choices but it’s not a topic where anyone should insert their personal views like this. Ugh. Thanks for sharing this!
It is so insensitive for people to say things and ask questions like these. Even if you want children, you might be struggling to conceive etc. so I definitely agree that this shouldn’t be talked about so publically!
Since I was a child I knew that I didn’t want children. I’ve constantly been told all my life that I would change my mind. But here I am at 40 with the same conclusion and my mind has not changed at all. No regrets. I wish others would just realize that not everyone wants what others want.